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The Lighter Side of... Thailand

Hey everyone,
I’m back from Bangkok, Thailand. It was one of those two week trips that took almost a month. Here are some of my notes about the place. It’s a bit long but I hope you enjoy it.

Immigration - You always hear about how nice the Thais are. They generally are. My first experience was at the Thai immigration. Entering in most countries immigration personnel are pent up in a glass cell with an opening just big enough to slide your passport and visa through. The next person in queue must stand behind a line about 15 feet from the counter. The usual routine goes; you walk up, they grab your passport through the mail slot, type a few things in a computer, stare a the screen, type some more, stare at the screen, then pull out a stamp, stamp your passport with a hard thump and hand back your passport. The whole time they barely even look at you. I begin to wonder why in the hell they put a picture on the passport in the first place. No “thank you”, “welcome to BFE”, nothing. More like, “okay I’ll let you in...this time”.

At Thailand Immigration it was just a short counter that you walk up to. I half expected a cash register. The girl behind the counter took my passport and visa. Amazingly enough she looked at the picture, me, the picture, then laughed. I expected her to make a comment about my hair because it was pulled back and looked short but in the passport my hair was long. I said, “I know, ugly picture”. She replied, “You're smiling!” I remembered the Asian trait, it seems that whenever they take a picture for an ID, Asians never smile. She was so entertained by that. She stamped my passport, smiled, and I was on my way.

The traffic - The traffic in Bangkok is legendary. Both for the number of vehicles on the road and the elegant chaos that best describes the action. Lots and lots of motorcycles (more like high powered mopeds really). Some of these wimpy motorcycles had farings on them to look more sporty, like a Yamaha sport bike but they had these small wheels and narrow tires that looked exactly like they belonged on a kid's BMX bike. Paid transportation is the usual form: buses and taxis. Plus there are Tuk-tuks (three wheeled taxi with motorcycle engines), actual motorcycle taxis (one passenger, you have to ask for a helmet, then hang on for life!), and modified small covered pickup trucks where you can hop in the back and have a seat. Watching the traffic is intriguing. It’s an unending game of chicken and who gets there first. People constantly cut each other off but no one gets mad because it’s expected and you're going to do it to someone else pretty soon. One thing sets this area apart from traffic in other places. They rarely use the horn. In countries like Argentina and Turkey instead of driving with their hands at 10:00 and 2:00, it’s 12:00 and horn. It gets to the point where everyone ignores the horns. In Thailand, only if somebody is not paying attention will they get a honk.

The food - Everything Asian; Thai, Chinese, Japanese, sometimes a little Korean . Asians can make a meal out of anything. If it was once alive and it ain’t poisonous (sometimes that doesn’t matter, i.e. blowfish) there is a dish for it. With Thai food, my quandary was what NOT to eat. The locals I travel with have pretty much learned that rather than try to interpret the menu for me, just go ahead and order stuff. I’ll try whatever they put on the table. If there’s something I find I like it, I’ll ask for it again. A co-worker, Nitipong, ordered up tubeworm soup (think of small Escargot not coiled up). There was this green vegetable like thing in it. Chewing on it was like chewing on bamboo. Tough, fibrous, and with a very strong pungent taste. After choking a few of these down I finally asked what the green stuff was. It was lemon grass and, no, you're not supposed to eat it. It’s only there to add flavor. NOW they tell me. I guess it was the equivalent to chewing on a bay leaf. After eating some kind of seafood, a large bowl, of what looks like weak tea, or soup, is brought to the table. I say tea because it has tea leaves floating in it but it’s very light in color. There’s also a slice or two of lime. I think to myself, "Okay that’s lot of tea but that’s okay, I’ll try it anyway." But we've got three people and only two bowls. Something told me to ask first. “That’s for washing the seafood smell off your hands.” I’m glad I asked before picking it up and slurping out of it like it was a bowl of miso soup.

Some of the Thai women are tiny. I finally found out why. Thais only seem to use their hands to eat if it’s seafood and needs the shell peeled off otherwise I’ve watched them eat Kentucky fried chicken and pizza with a fork and spoon. I guess what topped it off was when I watched Nitipong’s girlfriend slowly crack open a crab claw and pick out the miniscule amount of meat using a fork and spoon. I would have starved to death before I got enough to eat. Sometimes I would eat at KFC in the mall near my hotel. I debated -- although not for very long -- should I eat my chicken like the Thias with a fork and spoon? Nah. I picked it up and scarfed it down. I’m sure the Thias are used the ways of the farang (the name they have for the touristas).

Another co-worker, Thanawat, took me to a special place that makes the local delicacy, shark fin. Okay, I’ll try it. Cooking shark fin is a long process because it’s basically cartilage. The funny thing is that it’s the only part of the shark they eat. They toss out the rest. I gave Thanawat a hard time because of all the things Thais eat, they throw away the best part. How’d it taste? There wasn’t a taste to the fin itself. It had a very unique, soft, crunchiness (if that makes sense). It was the sauce that gave it a nice taste. But I think I'll pass on it next time.

Parking - With 10 million people there are a lot of cars and very few parking places. The Agilent engineer I was working with, Thanawat, was zooming around in the parking garage looking for a spot. I was looking for an opening when I noticed that almost all of the cars parked in marked spaces are double parked with a car side ways in front of it. After a couple days of seeing this I asked how do they coordinate the parking so the cars in marked places don’t get blocked in. Thanawat said, no problem, people leave their cars in neutral. If you want to get out, just push the car that’s blocking you out of the way. This method increases the cars they can park in an area by about a third. They have special locks for the automatic cars that locks the car in neutral so it can be rolled around but not stolen.

It’s a small world - After about a few days in Bangkok I was sorting through my Yahoo mail. A message came in from elfzwolf@..... I thought it was the usual SPAM but I opened it anyway. It was David O’Byrne, a former Agilent Recon guy. He was talking about being in Bangkok then going to Cambodia! No way! We traded Emails and tried to hook up when he got back to Bangkok but my work never let up. So I’m standing in line at airport emigration going to my flight out of Thailand when I hear my name being called out from behind me. That's weird. After being in a country so long you are used to hearing things in Thai or some sort of broken English. It’s David O’B! He was leaving on another flight the same day. D O’B is sporting a major King Tut beard. We got to talk for 2 or 3 minutes before we had to go to separate flights. He seems to be taking advantage of the time off by touring the world with a back pack. You’ve got to read his writings about the travels. He says his next trip is Germany.

Thailand Body Building Association - I was jogging around a park near the hotel when I noticed an area under some trees with weightlifting equipment. I wandered by to take a look. It was mostly that old DP equipment you see at garage sales. Some of the equipment was put on two or three stepping stones but much of it was right on the dirt. Some of the weights were in pounds and some in kilos. Everything was rusty and dusted with the find sand that’s kicked up as people walk around. Some of the “weights” were nothing more than poured concrete disks. Obviously someone being creative. They even went as far as covering the concrete weights with black spray paint. Undaunted and wanting to work out, I found a guy who spoke some English and asked, “How much?” It came out to 100 Baht per month...about $2.50 cents. Cool! So I joined and got this card that says, "Thailand Body Building Association."

The first time I started lifting was interesting. First, I’m the only farang. Second, there is “the hair”. Light hair stands out in Asia like a beacon (some Thais lighten their hair but it always comes out to an orange brown color). Some guy left a bench with weights on it. The 80 lbs he left on it was probably where he maxed out at. I wandered up and started lifting. OK, that’s a warm up. I started stacking weights on. Lifting. Look for more weights to stack on. Lift. Searching for more weights. Hmmm. It’s getting hard to find weights now. Lift some more. I look up, and I see everyone looking at me! It seems I’ve used up most of the weights around me. One guy nods his head, smiles, and says, “You strong.” I love this. In the US compared to most people at the gym, I don’t lift very much, but here I’m a spectacle. Talk about stroking an ego!

After I’d worked out there about 4 or 5 times everybody knew about me. I usually got a nod and smile. The ones that could speak English would strike up a conversation with me. I often got help looking for weights or a spot. I’d give encouragement to them to go that extra few reps or add a little more weight. One night there’s was one guy lifting. He was about 3 or 4 inches shorter than me, scruffy, but LOTS of solid muscle. He was one of those groaner lifters. The kind you could hear from the far side of the gym groaning and grunting as he was lifting. I minded my own business and tended to my routine. A short time later he walked up to me with three or four people behind him. With a big gritty smile he held his hand out and shook mine. In very broken English he said hi and gave his name, while still pumping my hand up and down. I introduced myself. He was still shaking my hand. Then next thing I knew he pulled me over by the same shaking hand to one of the high benches. He wanted to arm wrestle! Everybody in this open gym started cheering and crowded around the bench. They all knew what was going on. Oh great! I'm thinking, now I know I’m going to lose. This guy is all muscle and I know I’m not a good arm wrestler but I’m not going to back down. We assume the position. He counts in English with a thick accent, “Wan!...Tooh!...Tree!” We start at it. He’s grunting loudly. I’m pushing as hard as I can. We’re locked in the middle. But I know he’s not going all out so I decide to have fun. I start yelling at him and laughing. “Come on! I know you’re stronger than that! Come on pull!” I keep taunting him and laughing. The crowd is cheering too. Finally he kicks in and slowly -- not to mention easily -- downs me. The whole crowd cheers and claps. From then on I was muscle man’s best friend. Whenever he saw me he would come up with a big smile and say hi.

The Floating Market - Nitipong and his girlfriend took me to a town about an hour north of Bangkok. It's home to the world famous floating markets. Most of the town is a grid of canals. All of the commerce and commuting is done on these canals using long narrow boats. You might remember an old James Bond flick with Sean Connery that has some chase scenes in this area. It was pretty neat but you can tell it has gotten dependant on tourist trade. In the market area people peddle their wares on boats and little stalls that hang precariously on the water's edge. You can flag down a boat with a little old lady, she'll pull up and cook you a meal in a wok, using charcoal, right on the boat and hand you a dish.

Nitipong, Fon, and I rented a water taxi tour of the town. The driver -- or is that helmsman? -- navigated around the canals and stopped at certain stalls on the water's edge. I began to figure it out. Almost everyone is selling the same basic stuff. This driver is stopping by the stalls that are either run by his relatives or run by his friends. So I -- being the nut case that I am -- decide to mess with his head. He stops at a stall selling figurines. The guy working the stall trys to give me the sales pitch. "Good stuff cheap. You like." I shake my head no, then point to the next stall selling the exact same stuff. And buy it there. ;-)

The Deal - I have a friend who loves to collect salt and pepper shakers. As I wander around the market I look for some unique ones to bring back. I tell Fon, who quickly spots them for me. None seem particularly outstanding until we find an old lady selling some porcelain shakers. They were white pheasants or doves with a gold leaf design on their feathers selling for 500 Baht. I start dickering with the lady about the price -- translated through Fon. She doesn't budge at all on her price. So I'm just as firm on my offer, 250 Baht. I basically get told I'm crazy (I'm sure my translator paraphrased that in a kinder way than what was actually said :-). Knowing that you often find the same item sold by many people as if they all have the same distributor I figure I'll just go find it somewhere else. So we move on. The lady calls out 480 Baht. Yea right...we keep going. After about 45 minutes of wandering I didn't see any other places selling those same shakers. Damn, I bet that lady knew that too. So we wander by the same lady and I try to not look too interested as I pass by. She calls out, "Well...do I want to buy it?" "You know my price," I say (half of the original asking). "No? Okay," and I turn to continue my trek. I'm thinking to myself, damn I missed out on that one but I'm not going to give in (I'm drowning in principles here gang). Feeling like I might have to eat crow, I walk slowly away. Now, I don't know a darn bit of Mandarin but when she called out the last time, there was a different tone in her voice. Fon says she'll sell them for 250. Gotcha! My friend, by the way, loved the set!

In spite of the hassles of working much longer than I wanted to there, I managed to have a good time, meet and work with some great people. It’s a big, noisy, polluted city, but I wouldn’t mind going back.

As a footnote: I dug the Thai food but after a while developed a craving for a slab of prime rib from Outback Steakhouse. Wonder why??

~Evan Scott